Just Shoot Me

After days and days of being covered in itching fiberglass and standing on top of the ladder stapling in two feet of insulation in between the rafters, climbing down, moving the ladder two feet, repeat. I finally have all the insulation done and was looking forward to moving on to something easier. I really should have gotten another ladder and made a scaffold type arrangement but it didn't look like that big of a deal. My shoulders disagree now.

So I thought the worst part was over. Ha!!! Never under estimate the cheapness of modern day building material companies to make a poor man's life miserable.I did get some respite when I moved the electrical wire and light socket down into where the closet is going to eventually be. At least that is stuff that hasn't changed any in the last couple of decades.

Ya know I have laid tile, carpet, the various solid floor coverings and even did some hardwood work years ago (I am talking real hardwood BTW) but some how I managed to avoid what I guess they call laminate hardwood flooring before. It's complete crap.

See that picture up top. Sure it looks just like the stuff in the picture if you blow said picture up about 400 times and don't put anything else in there for reference. My mother was so anxious for me to start laying her floor and talked about how pretty it was.

I looked at it and thought it was cheap ass pressboard barely above cardboard stage with a millimeter thickness of hardwood veneer on top. Complete with some kind of Mickey Mouse puzzle type channel connection. She said the guy at the store told her one person could install it. Sure if that one person happens to be born with a reproductive organ four feet long with an opposable thumb on it. In fact I am not sure if even three arms and hands would make this possible as a one man operation.

Why is it Women never seem to see how difficult something is and only how they HOPE it is going to look like when someone else gets it finished?

Then of course I am trying to figure this thing out and she starts screaming about reading the directions. Seriously guys have any of you ever really found the answer you are looking for in those stupid directions? What this usually boils down to is the guy looking at the problem trying to figure out just what side goes up or down while the Woman, who is playing supervisor, is reading something she just knows has the answer in it and usually turns into you trying to explain to her that the term "quarter round" is actually talking about edging and not how far you are suppose to turn the pieces to make them fit.

This stuff literally sucks. The part that sucks is getting the channels to actually lock correctly along the entire row. You have to push them together at an angle which means you really have to connect in a row at a time unless there is some trick to getting a 30 degree angle on two perpendicular sides at the same time....

Maybe if I folded the space time continuum or something?

So finally I get almost one entire row put down of this mickey mouse crap. Mom is still busy reading the directions.

Oh here's a good one. She says the directions say that the material is suppose to be stored flat in a heated room with counter stacking. She asked why I didn't do that? I point out that it is really interesting how the directions located inside the unopened box of flooring tell me how to stack the unopened boxes. I should have been channeling my psychic direction reading abilities I guess.

Then she tells me I have to install this stuff with proportional cuts. I need 31" of flooring to finish the row so I have to cut down the last section. Makes sense but she says the directions say to then use another 31" section on the opposite side of the next row. Again that kinda makes sense but due to the locking channels of course I have to cut it from the other end. This would create a nice even pattern too.

Something is nagging in the back of my mind though because that seems too easy. I get the third row finished and finally banged together without destroying the delicate paper mache channel edging when I start counting how many feet I have covered.

"Ahhhh Mom. Ya know if I do all this in the perfect two row pattern you want we lose approximately 1 square foot of material per row ya know? That means I am going to be like 5 boxes short in the end."

"Well that's impossible" she exclaims. We figured out how many square foot was needed at the store"

"Yes I understand that but if I make each row a direct copy of itself I am losing about 24" off one section with each row that cannot be used again."

She never did get it.

Finally I just started using the left over 24" piece on the next row and then re-measuring the last section. Problem is eventually we are still going to lose a few inches when the remaining piece get's below 16" long at which point her all knowing directions say it is no longer usable. I tried to explain that yes this covering will in fact cover X square feet as long as you don't waste any and do not have to shorten pieces to fit but that we will need approximately 25% more foot covering to do a perfect two row pattern. In effect the best I can guess we will get would be a six row pattern.

After trying to explain this to her for 30 minutes she said "I really want a different type of wall covering on the front wall to kinda break the lines up".

Thank the Lord almighty I got called into work right after that.

I just don't think she is ever going to grasp why she needed to get more square footage of floor covering than she actually has floor. I figure at this point I will just do as much as I can and let her see for herself by looking at the little pile of too short sections and then realize I had to go to more than a two row pattern to even get that far.

Keep Prepping Everyone!!!